Grey Boy with a Leap: August 2007

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"Being lost & happy"

On the contractory

of the reality

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and that's how

she replies

and it goes

this

Subject: Thanks

Date: Thu, 19 Jul 2007 03:00am

Dearest Greyboy,

This is definitely not talent, if u put in as many hours of practice as me, u can definitely do better... Since i came back, I'v only been working 3 days a week with the rest of my time practising n socialising.... but now, it's even far better... I'm free n lost!

I'm just lucky.... being still alive, i guess.

Been going thru very wierd state of my life since my father's departure.... don't want to grow so fast but strange things just happening n it seems like I haven't got energy to cope with them anymore... so, I'v decided to quit my job hoping to start something fresh in every aspect. I don't know if I could take anything drastic like starting life new in France... although it's one of my dream to see how fucked-up n stranged the french are... but currently contented with everything in london... as the saying goes 'comfort breeds content'.

Actually I'v got more to express but lately I'm not very sure about myself... I think I should go now... words are just not coming out... i wanted to write so badly... at least i tried... please send me more peoms... I like them.

Love,

Marilyn

On the 26th days

Of July

Early morn

with the

after-cigarette-scented

office

wrote

back

Subject: I dreamt of a small bot....

Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2007 07.48am

My Dearest Marilyn,

Hello my lady, I am so glad that you wrote back and I have been repeatedly reading your mail. So often, that I unintentionally felt the presence of a peranakan table with almost cold-surfaced marble top, a conventional house-hold mirror hanged on the pale wall and the flowers you bought from the friendly ethnic neighbor groceries store, of course, all of them dipped on the top of the tab water in a bowl. I guess, the thing that I miss the most were all the conversation with you. Even the simplest piece we had.

As I recalled, I never last any second longer on that harden metal chair and I would slowly crawled to between the entrance of the door. I remembered, I would raised my bottom limbs as high as possible to achieve comfort. That room used to be your dad's room. Beside that, you would be there too reciting stories. All those words from your life, the words from your love to your family, the words from your perceptions and your words from you to me. And I love the unselfish voices, the voices from you.

Sometimes, you would just stand in front of mirror while we conversed. You would routinely shuffled your fair a little bit and perhaps gently brushing off loose eyebrows. And sometimes, I would just stand between your way while you busily practicing your daily chores around the house. And sometimes.... smoking ferociously, so ferocious that it took hold of the common scent in the house, of what it is previously smelled like. How does it smelled like in the past? An home of laughter and many many happy childhood memories. She (you) never failed to describe better.

I grew up from a pleasant home. A home that basically runs with loud voices, from every corners, from my dad, "wake up! time to go work"; from my mum, "Please finish your breafast"; from my brother, "Hey! your phone call" and my dogs in the wee hours of the morning. And these voices will go on from dusk to dawn. A home that filled with so much stuff, that the house is suffocated on its own. I also remembered that my mum used to fill our rooms with so many dolls & fluffy teddy bears. I grew to be embarrassed by it when I am older. Thus having it removed in just a day. To where? Anywhere but not my room. My mum never mentions a word, not any infuriates gesture, as she understood the growth of human nature, a boy. Thinking back, I should have been gentler when I spoke to her that day. Your home is of different from mine. It has very much lesser stuff compares to mine. Besides, the few necessity furnitures, a few pictures on the wall, a simple basin to wash the dishes and a few under-used electrical appliances. Besides that you can also find stains and cracks around the house. Of those, she cited with incidents and humorous stories to every related details, and most of the time you would end it with a naughty giggle. I soon to realize that your home shares a common similarity with mine. The love of a family.

Back to what I wanted to say, it was also at that the same marble-top table. I saw you shed tears. It was the first time I saw you cry. It started when the words turned murmurs and the tears just ran down, it couldn't stop on its own, no matter much you wanted to. You tried to breathe profoundly and tried to swap it off so frequently but none have stopped it from coming down. I felt the pain, as well as the feeling of content. You have never failed to be a daughter, as well as a member of the family. You have never regretted anything you have done and what the family have done for you. You have never asked why you were born or chosen to be in this particular family, in return, you embraced it further.

And I love you for this reason. Your ability to love. Ability to share almost everything.

You have been working so hard for the family and you stormed through it with smiles and strength. I have never met anyone as optimistic as you. Your laughter never leaves you, it can be heard everytime you walk through my front door and everytime you leave. I really miss your laughter.

Well, the reason I write such a mushy mushy mail today, besides being a pain in the ass, I wish to say that you too are a very nice person too. (coming from my heart). A very special individual. A very special person. And I shall always remember you in my heart, the words, the voices and the love.

As I always do... a little poem for the finale drama. This piece is written from a dream I had yesterday. I woke up drooling on the pillow. I could have figure out a better title of this simple poem but it occurred to me, this one would be just perfect.

Can We be Happy and Lost at the Same Time?

I have a dream....
About a small boat....
Streaming down the open sea....
Knowing what's on shore....
What else is left to explore....
So pity....
A lost boat at mid sea....
"Let it be"
The small boat say to me....

I sincerely wish you all the best in what ever you do and may god bless you.

Love,
GreyBoy

sunny day, I presumed

Tuesday...

i think

rather

silent

Subject: Silence
Date: Tues, 31 Jul 2007 01.28pm

u'v written me the most beautiful email...

thanks!( what i'm thinking right now )....

so much going on for everyone,changes taking place every moment, i'm still the same... just emotional changes n challenges... unseen, killing me from inside out.

feel like i'v so much to say but i rather just give u a smile.for someone like u, it's worth waiting for a while.

kisses,

marlene

we never write

to each another

anymore

soon

i realise

was

July

and

the